Decision making begins.....

Well, I have decided with my dear husbands support (because I WILL NEED IT!) to go back to school this winter quarter. I want to get started quickly. We found out that my degree from Provo College (that was useless for the longest time) in business management Associates Degree can now be transferred so I can use it at other colleges to put me further ahead by 2yrs. Which was sorta the push I needed. Even better is that my grades were at a 3.8 or higher for the two years I attended so I may be able to get scholarships as well.
I am going back to school to get my Master's In Psychology. I am finally going to do what I have kicked myself for NOT doing in the first place. I have ALWAYS wanted to do counseling sense I was about a junior in high school. It just seemed so long and I guess I didn't believe in myself enough to do it and make it. I have sense realized that you should do in life what you have a passion and drive for because it makes you WANT to do it, and learn about it because the passion is there. I also feel that my life experiences will only help me be a better Psychologist and maybe I needed those life experiences first before beginning this road.
I have always had an interest in the mind. I don't know that I am good at it, but I know I have a passion and drive to learn about it like I have never had for anything before. I have struggled with this decision, not because it is going to be hard, and not because it will take awhile, but because I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I am a mother of four beautiful girls that need me & I am going after something that will make me happy, make me feel proud of myself, and make me feel a success that I crave. I guess it sounds selfish, and mothers need to be self-less, not selfish. I think to myself WHY can't I just put that energy and passion into my girls and family to make my family successful and my girls confident and set them up for a successful path in life, that should bring me the success I crave, it should make me proud of my life and I should have a passion for that more instead.
Although its true that guiding my family down a successful road would bring me a sense of accomplishment and make me feel proud, make my husband proud and all that good stuff I guess I decided that if I feel fulfilled in my life then I am happier, which makes my girls happier. It also shows my girls that they can do anything they want to do no matter if they are a mother or not. I guess I am sorta feeling like lately more then ever that I am dead inside and I need something to make me feel alive, not that my kids and family don't do that for me but I think that by doing this it will make me a better mother. I tend to do better when I am busy with things, it keeps me driven and going, when I have nothing really to do then I become stagnant. I also just feel, and have felt for soooo long in my heart strongly that there is a reason I have to do this. I don't know for sure what that reason is, but all I know is the drive to do this is STRONG, its a burning in my heart telling me that I NEED TO DO THIS, its what I am meant to do, and there is NO reason I can't do both. Sure it will be very hard, but it will be very worth it.
It will take me about 4yrs to get all the way thru, and then theres internships and things like that you have to go thru clinicals and then pass your state boards to practice. There's lots of decisions I have to make like where I am going to go. I know alot of colleges are offering night classes, and online courses, which from what I have found out quite a bit of the classes I can take online, but there are alot that I don't want to. I would rather take them in class, but some of the less important ones I can take online, with no problem. I know I will be busy the next few months figuring out the details and putting together all the details so I can get on with this. IF I would have started this when I first started looking into it I would be two years into it already, DANG! So, I decided last night with my husband that its time to stop putting off this desire. A very good friend of mine said once to me and it has never left my mind it pertains to going to school.... he said, "You have to live those years anyhow, they will pass you by no matter what, so why not do something with those years" This quote has been running thru my mind for the past 2yrs, so its time to stop hoping, dreaming and wishing, and ACTING on my desire to do this. Its a long journey but a journey that I will enjoy every step of the way, and when I can walk across the stage with my degree it will be a happy day. I figured out last night that when I graduate Derian will be about 14, almost 15, Ashlynn will be 13, Kymbree will be about 8 and A'jaye will be 6. My only hope is that I will be able to find the balance between school and family.
Here are some of the reasons that helped me with the decision to GO FOR IT........
* My passion for this is extremely high
* The burning in my heart telling me that this is what I am meant to do
* My husband telling me he would support me all the way.... (this was a huge thing for me)
* I am only getting older, and I dont want to look back at 45 having regrets
* I want to contribute to my families dreams and hopes for the future instead of putting it all on my husband's shoulders to fulfill those hopes
* When my kids are grown and gone, what will I have? Yes, I will have my family still, but I don't want regrets that I didn't do this
* Because I can't help myself sometimes in giving my opinions and unsolicited advice on marriage problems, personal problems, etc..... why not be able to do it without my husband looking at me like...."BABE, quit being Dr. Phil" haha ( I had to throw this in there)

SO, here we go........................ I am not looking back!